I can't believe it's really over.  I have to wake up in eight hours from now and head to the airport.

i've never, in my entire life, had something so hard to have to deal with when I get back.  I am so happy that I found out what happened back home while I was here, cause if I hadn't found it out while I was here, it would all still be there on my walls and in my room for me to see when I get back.  Since I'm lucky enough to have a group of such incredible friends, it's all been cleaned up and is gone, so I don't have to see it when I get home.  But in some ways, that makes it weirder.  That shit happened.  And it's gone.

In so many ways, I've already moved passed it and have been able to focus on the amazing things I've done while here and not think about it.  But now, i'm going back there in a few hours.  And when I do, I have to realize that someone actually hates me enough to have done what they did to me.  And I don't even know who did it.  So I have to go back to a town where there is someone who actually HATES me.  Not even dislikes.  But actually hates, enough to go out and be as cruel to me as they were.  I am a strong woman.  And luckily I am, cause otherwise I wouldn't have been able to have the best time of my life while over here despite what happened.  But even being as strong as I am, that doesn't make it easy to go back to that.  And as much as I thank, from the bottom of my heart, all of my incredible friends who went to my house and cleaned the cruelty away, and took care of my cats, and did so many incredibly kind things for me that I don't know how I can ever thank them... that still doesn't erase the hurt that exists from what happened.  I wish it could, so much.  But now I have to go back, and have people ask me who I think did it.  And there's a fucking witch hunt happening back there, a witch hunt that I've even taken part of from here, throwing friends of mine on the fire and accusing.

Now that the trip is ending, it's so hard to say to myself, 'It doesn't matter.  You're living out one of your dreams.  Enjoy it.'.  Because now, that dream is over.  Now I have to go back to a place where someone hates me enough t have done what they did.  I want so much to be able to say it doesn't matter, but it DOES. I'm going home to find all of the money I'd saved to live on when i get back is gone.  I'm going back to the realization that someone was in my fucking bedroom, and rooted through my personal belongings like they were nothing.  To a place where someone hated me so much that they spraypainted the wall in my bedroom.  My BEDROOM.  The only place in the world that is totally mine.

I will get past this.  I know that.  But I hate, I hate so much, that I have to.  All I did was take myself on a vacation I've dreamt of my whole life.  Why is that something that could make someone do something so cruel to me?

Sorry.  I'm a little drunk right now and just don't know how to move past this at the moment.

Back to where it all began...

Holy fuck is it ever hot in Melbourne.  Totally unexpected but awesome surprise.

So today I caught what was my last domestic flight in this country, from Adelaide to Melbourne.  Three days here, which will be mostly spent drunk/hungover, then back to Canada.

I can't believe all of the things I've done and seen (PANDAS!) in the last few weeks.  And that it's only been WEEKS.  I've done more exciting things in the past few weeks than I have in years.  And I've seen so many things I'll likely never see again (PANDAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  And I've had the most terrible thing in my life happen to me, and I still have to go back and deal with that.

I don't know what will be happening or where I will be going from here.  I don't know what things are going to bring, what life is going to throw at me, or where (or if) I'll be travelling to next.

All I know is I'm so happy I came here. The last time I threw everything into a bag and took off on my own was over a decade ago, when I took off to Alberta, and it was about damned time I did something like this again.  I've made some mistakes (leaving a safe in my house, HA!), but I'll know how to do better next time.  Next time... fuck I hate that it will likely have to be later than planned, but it's still going to happen.

Today has erased any and all negativity from my head.  It's barely past 10:30 in the morning and yet today has brought about the completion of a lifelong dream.  I wish I could transport all of you here, to this moment.

Today I woke up at 3am, wrapped in a swag, in a clearing in the outback.  I looked up at the sky and couldn't go back to sleep.  There was so much light coming from the stars that I could actually make out the forms of the people sleeping around me.  I couldn't close my eyes and shut this out, I lay there and just looked at the stars til everyone else got up at 5.

We then came to Kings Canyon just as the sun was rising.  We trudged up the 400 or so steps to the top of the steep cliff, and all around me was the most stunning scenery I've ever seen.

If anyone plans to come to Australia, I highly recommend following my path.  The Great Ocean Road was incredible.  The whalesharks were a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  The reef, Kuranda, everything was amazing.

But this.  THIS.  Nothing can top this.  These three days are what I'll remember most.  I know my memories of running off to the woods to cry my eyes out in private are going to fade, that was just last night and yet it's already meaningless to me.

Today has been the absolute highlight of this trip.  We hiked to the top, and stood over the canyon, which gave us the most powerful echo I've ever experience when we yelled as a group.  Then, in the middle of all this rock, was The Garden of Eden.  That's actually what they call it and I can see why.  It's this incredible, beautiful vegetation in the middle of this bright orange rock. And on one side, a cool, clear, beautiful pool of water.  What an incredible feeling, to run off the rock and jump into the incredibly refreshing water.  I could have stayed there all day.

Now we're on our way back to Alice Springs, to have a night of proper fucking PARTY TIME.  It's amazing how well you can get to know people on a short trip like this, many of them feel like true friends already.  Tonight will be a blast.  I'm sure I will literally have to drag my hungover self to the train station tomorrow, but it will be worth it!

next stop: Adelaide.

`

This is now my second night sleeping in the outback.  Today we went to Uluru and watched the sunrise.I don't know how to put it into words.  What I did today is the biggest reason I cam here.  It was phenomenal.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will be one week away from going home.  It's funny as I write that word, 'home'.  it feels even less true now than it did when I returned from Central America.  It doesn't even feel like it's really my house anymore and definitely not a home.  I wish I could go back and magically find my place the way I left it, with Ashley there to greet me with a smile and a beer.

Fuck.  It's so hard to stop my thoughts from turning to what happened.  Right now I am sitting beside a campfire in the middle of the Australian outback.  There are so many stars above me that they're actually smudging the sky.  I can't believe I'm here.

But then I think of what this trip has cost me.  I'm not talking about money (even though that cost has more than doubled now), but the overall cost to me, and to my life.  How, when I get back, everything is different.  Based on the trip alone my life would have changed, but now I don't know what to expect.  Is this going to change my desire to travel, and my confidence to leave home on my own?  I really don't know.  I  mostly think not, and hope not.  Mostly, but the other part of me wants to go back, pack my shit, and move somewhere that noone knows me and just be alone.

I know that part will go away.  The fear, the disappointment, all of the negative will leave, eventually.  And I hope, hope so much, that it's replaced by all of the positive again.  What I'm doing now, this very moment, is something I've dreamt of my whole life.  And your dreams dont' change, do they?

Well here I am.  I'm currently writing this by hand, from the top of Myer's Hill in Alice Springs. I'm in the fucking outback!  I've dreamt of being here my entire life, and this is just a little taste of what I'll be seeing the next few days.

At the moment, sitting here, all of Alice Springs beneath me and the West MacDonnell mountains in the distance, I am actually feeling peaceful.  Surprising because, I can quite honestly say without a doubt, that the last 24 hours have been the most terrible of my life.  I have been trying very hard to remain positive, but for every positive minute I manage, I have about three minutes where I'm choking back tears. On top of everything that's already happened, today my netbook stopped working.  Which means my main source of communication has been severed.  Although, sitting up here right now, I'm thinking maybe that's okay.  The next few days, in the Outback will be so incredible, who needs internet.  I'll let my brain take a technology break.

Right now, sitting up here, I never want to go back.  When Sarah, Robin and I climbed to the top of El Castillo at Xunantunich, and I stood there and looked at the world around me, I realized there was so much to see in this world and I needed to see more.  Thats what I came here for.  And right now, thats what I have.  No matter what way I turn, all around me there are more mountains.  I wish I could climb each and every one of them.  I want to see everything.

The person who vandalized and robbed my bedroom is full of poison and hate.  I haven't been very public with what the graffiti said, but it waspretty much the most cruel thing someone could say to me.  And it's not going to stop hurting for a long time.  But right now, I'm sitting on the top of a hill, on a bright red rock, in the middle of the outback.  So you know what?

Life is good.

Right after my last post, I walked to a little cafe, sipped a coffee, and decided to reeeeeelax.  So I'd have to wait two hours to get to the island.  Who cares right? I could still spend a nice afternoon there.

Then I log onto my computer.   And find out that someone broke into my room and spraypainted something awful above my bed.  So I cried.  And cried and cried and wanted nothign more than to get home to make sure whoever did that didn't come back and harm my kitties and do something worse.

Then I asked S&R to go to my place to check out my room, just in case.  And they found my room pretty much trashed.  And my safe, which was hidden under a mountain of stuff in my closet, is gone.

I've been robbed, and someone has done the meanest thing to me that I can ever imagine happening.  All I want right now is to be home with Ashley and Alex and my kitties, and to snuggle them all and make this go away.  Instead I'm in Brisbane.  A city I already hated.  And I can't get home.  I want to change my flight, but have to wait til they open at 9am (11pm here) to see if I can.  I was supposed to go to Alice Springs tomorrow.  How can I enjoy anything now?  I just want to be home, being so far away from everything I love is so awful at the moment.

I'm trying really hard to remain positive right now.  Out of all of the options for what I could do today, I picked coming to Straddie because it was easy to get to and one of the only journeys less than two hours.  Planned it all out online, checked all the schedules.

Get off the hour-long train into Cleveland, take the free bus over to the ferry and OH LOOK there goes the water taxi! Next one is in two hours!  TWO HOURS!  So it's 11:15 in the morning, the sun is out and it's a beautiful day, and my options are to either sit in this fucking parking lot for two hours and wait, which will then get me over to the island around 1:30, or just go back to Brisbane and get back there at 1.  I can't believe this.  I fucking hate Brisbane, there really has been nothing good that's happened in the week I've been here I can't wait to head to Alice Springs tomorrow.

Currently on the train out to North Stradbroke Island (Straddie as it's called), and I can finally feel myself getting out of the funk I've admittedly been in the last few days.

When I got to Brisbane on Sunday, at first I loved it.  But then I spent the first four days here waiting on some money to come to me, and my days were spent wasted/extremely hungover, and by Thursday I still had none of the cash, I was very bored of getting drunk, and I didn't feel particularly comfortable at the house I was staying.  On top of all that, every time I'd think about doing something cheap, like a beach or a forest walk, the sky would break open and it wouldn't be possible.

Well I kinda got so into the swing of doing nothing it was even hard to push my lazy ass out of bed this morning, and in fact I slept through the first train I'd planned to take, which was up the Sunshine Coast to Noosa.  Too bad, if I'd caught the 8am train I could have spent my day wandering around Noosa Park and checking out all of the wildlife there.  When I realized this morning I'd slept in, I got all waaaah fuck this blah I'm just gonna sleep.  Instead I then looked at my options:  I could still go to Noosa, but taking a 3hour train from 11am-2pm wasn't very appealing.  I could grab a train down the Gold Coast to Surfers Paradise, but it's an extreme tourist haven and the weather is still overcast so a place that just has a beach isn't great.
So I decided on North Stradbroke Island.  I'll probably be getting there too late to join any snorkel tours for the day, but hopefully by the time I get there the sun will be out and I can lay on the gorgeous beaches (seriously, google image search that shit it's incredible), and hopefully see some dolphins and turtles.  I'm too early in the year for whales unfortunately, but oh well!

This week has been interesting in a lot of ways though.  Shown me how both bad planning (spending all my money), and things you can't control (weather), can have such an impact on not only what you do in the day but your overall feelings on everything.  It's also made me think that six weeks may have been too long for my first solo trip.  Even though I've made friends along the way, it's not the same.  You can be independent all you'd like, but not having the opportunity to see someone who truly cares about you for such a long time period can be hard.  Hopefully D actually gets his passport and does come to Thailand with me in November, that would RULE.

Grrrrrr the sky has broken, its raining now and I forgot my rain poncho back at the hostel.  30 minutes til I'm off this train, fingers crossed the sun comes back out!

No matter how independent you are, sometimes it can be really hard to be alone.  It's Friday night, and I'm on my own tonight.  Staying in a hostel, and right now I'd love to grab a burger and a beer.  But as it's Friday night, every place is packed, and I'm tired and not really up for flying solo in a packed place.  It's weird.  I'm on my own so much.  I've been independent and have taken care of myself, 'just me', for over fifteen years now.  But since I don't feel up to making conversation with strangers in a pub tonight, and since I'd feel like an idiot bringing my netbook or a real book out with me on a Friday night, I'm currently thinking of just grabbing fast food and coming back to my room.  Seriously?  FUCK THAT.  That's not who I am.  I can't let myself take the easy way out, it's just dinner!  I'm gonna do it.... soon.  I promise.

The weather here in Brisbane is so frustrating.  Woke up this morning and it was nice and sunny out, so decided I'd head to the beach after breakfast.  Then the sky became overcast and looked like it was going to break open into pouring rain any second.  So I didn't leave.  Then it looked sunny again. Then overcast.  Now it looks like sunny. Maybe.  ARGH!  Oh well.  I'm broke as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck right now so if I don't do anything today the next two days, my last two in Brisbane, will be more enjoyable.

Tomorrow we're heading up to Mount Coot-tha, a mountain where you can look out over the entire city, with botanic gardens and waterfalls and stuff.  Should be gorgeous.  Saturday, my last day here, I'll hopefully be able to afford to grab a bus and head down to the Gold Coast, to Coolangata, to spend the day on one of the prettiest beaches around.

This week has been a little annoying, as I'm too broke to really do much and there isn't a whole lot to do in the city itself, all of the interesting things require a bit of cash and which I just don't have.  Blargh.  Got some cash coming to me from peoples back home in the next couple of days, and my tax refund should hopefully be deposited in the next few days, and then I'll be back on track.

Brisbane is awesome so far.  I don't think I could have picked a better place to spend my week of being broke as fuck.  Heading out in a few minutes to meet up with J, the British boy from the Belizean sandy beach adventure.  The people who live at the house I'm staying with are amazing.  Should spend time up at waterfalls in the hills and on beaches on the Sunshine Coast at some point this week.  Then by the end of the week I will hopefully have a bit more money in my bank account and I can party hard here before heading to Alice Springs on Sunday.

OH! And there is a KITTY at this house! First cat I've seen here, and he's so handsome.  Like my Mr. Pawsborne but older and more distinguished.  Yes, I called a cat distinguished :D

I'm going to like it here in Brisbane. Fuck yes.  Just arrived at the fucking beautiful house I'm staying in (thanks to a friend of a friend of a friend), immediately was offered a drink of vodka and I can hear the people who live here jamming downstairs, and once they're done we're heading to someone's birthday in a park.  Ahhhhh life is good!

Goddamn I love free wifi.  I'm currently sitting on the curb at the Brisbane airport, waiting for my bus into the CBD (That's Central Business District, my Canadian friends, that's what it's called instead of downtown), and while I wait I'm using the airports wifi to figure out how to get where I'm going, and also to download episodes of Modern Family.  Got off the plane with no idea how to get where I'm going.  Asked the shuttle bus lady and she said i could get out at the Convention Centre and take a bus from there.  But OOOH thanks to googlemaps, I now know it's only a 20 minute walk from the CC to the place I'm staying. Aaaaaaah.  I love teh intrawebs.

Friday in the rainforest

What an incredible day.  I am so in love with life right now.

Part of why I came to Cairns was to spend time in the Atherton Tablelands, so thats where I headed today.  Took the Kuranda Scenic Railway, an old steam train, up the hills into the rainforest.  Stopped to see the Barron Falls, it was beautiful.  I joke on this trip about 'how did people travel before digital cameras and wi-fi?', but more and more I realize it's not a joke, technology has overtaken everything.  When we stopped at the falls, almost every person stepping off the train already had their camera up - like they couldn't miss a second of this being recorded.  I don't understand, because if you're always more concerned about taking photos, that's the only memory you'll have.  You wont' have an actual memory in your mind about how it felt to be there.  I did take photos of course, but I also just stood there and drank it in.  The cool breeze coming off the water, the mist in the air, the power of the falls. Beautiful.

Got off the train in Kuranda and fought my way through the hordes of tour groups, and went up the stairs - to the left, the town. To the right, the river.  I am literally the only person who turned right, which meant I had the rainforest all to myself!  There are a bunch of self-guided trails that take you along the river and through the rainforest, and since it was just me I could go at whatever pace I wanted to, and just stop and listen to the trees.  It was incredible.  Technology was also there, of course - just as I was thinking 'last time I was in the rainforest was with Ashley, I miss her', I got a text from her! HA!  Texting from the rainforest.  Love it.

From there I headed into town where I went and handfed some kangaroos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Also saw a bunch of crocodiles, koalas, wallabies,and even a wombat.  EEEEEEEEEK!  My timing for the day was perfect, cause I got all my outdoors stuff in, and just as I sat down for lunch the sky broke open and it started pouring.  I asked a lady in a shop for a plastic bag to put my purse in, and she gave me a rain poncho - and wouldn't let me pay her for it! So nice.

My day ended with a ride down over the rainforest in the Skyrail Cablecar.  Floating in my own little car over all the trees, with another stop (and a different view)) at Barron Falls.

So many times today I just looked around and thought about how lucky I am to be here.  I'm so happy I came.